I just did not lose 102lbs… I apparently lost friends too…

I am really shocked. I got a weird email from a friend that apologized for not reaching out to me lately, and especially on my birthday on Tuesday… And I noticed it was copied to 2 other friends.

She went on to say that I have really changed physically, since I now shop in the ‘normal size’ stores and not the women’s section, and since I now am not focused on food as the means of social activities, that I make her and a few other of my friends feel really bad… And they are avoiding me. (I had not noticed since work has been so crazy, I thought my workaholic BS had probably isolated me…)

She went on to say that although I do not judge, give diet or exercise advice, or talk about my journey seeking health unless asked, I make her feel like a failure.

I really gobsmacked. They watched me lose before, and consoled me through the hormone/chemo induced gain, and supported me when I gave up. They were for me after my hysterectomy. After my divorce. When I grew to my largest size ever. They cheered me on in my initial successes… But now that I am a size 6 and 10 lbs from my latest goal they want nothing to do with me?

How f-€¥ed up is that?!?!

Looks like I need new gal pals. I am done. What happened to friends supporting friends? I feel like the outsider of the mean girls’ club. Did we suddenly revert back to Junior High?

This had to be a poorly enacted joke. This cannot be real… Can it?

3/2/2013

I saw the death of hope and innocence in a child’s eyes

Today is not the first time I have seen what is hopeful, sweet, energetic, curious, excited, hopeful… leave a child’s eyes. It is unfortunately not the first, the 10th, the 100th, or the 1,000th time I have witnessed similar loss of hope and the corresponding shame on an adult’s face.

Today, a young mother was returned to our domestic violence shelter. She had escaped her abuser. She had done EVERYTHING ‘right’ for her and her toddler daughter the first time with us. She had left the area with a family friend not long after spending a happy and fear free holiday with us. Her daughter experienced the excitement of Santa, of presents and of holiday magic. Her mother was overwhelmed by the generosity of our community. I remember her shining face, the happy tears. I remember her daughter astride a tricycle in the shelter living room, eyes dancing, and despite all the festivities, being fascinated with my sparkly shrug sweater and my heels that night. Each time I looked down, she was staring up at me, or touching my pants leg. That open expression of trust, and of wonder. I seldom saw this small girl without a blindingly bright, happy smile. What she and her mother had triumphed had not squashed all that was innocent and trusting.

Shortly after the holidays they left our shelter. Mom came up to my office to give me a hug and to thank me. It was not me … It was my staff, my board, those who support is with funding and resources to do what we do. But she thanked me anyway. I caught a peek at the little girl as they swept out the door into the caring arms of friends.

And we continued to do what it is we do. Each hour of each day. For nearly three weeks. Yesterday a call came in from a sister program.

He found her. He found her and her daughter. He forced them to leave with him, and he nearly ended that young mother’s life. The beating… The kicking and stomping, many other vile acts of violence in front of the little girl. He attempted to strangle the person he had once promised to love and to cherish- in front of his child. He then left the scene, and also left the toddler with her bruised, bloody and unconscious mother. No one knows what happened to the little girl during that time. We hope… Well, you know what we hope.

Someone heard the little girl crying, and called emergency services. Mom received medical treatment, and today, she and her daughter left the hospital and came back to us.

I was informed by staff she was back. That she had handprints on her neck, and was nearly unrecognizable due to the bruising, swelling, and physical trauma. I saw her as I went into the hallway. What was truly unrecognizable was her eyes. They had none of the gentle laughter that I associated with her. They were the eyes of someone who has been to hell, and is not sure the way back will be found- the emotional trauma will heal much more slowly than the physical injuries she sustained. I also was shocked by a pale, drawn little girl who did not make eye contact. She sat listlessly in a stroller. When she did look up… I saw a small child whose childhood had been destroyed- ripped away by one of the people that should protect her, love her. Watching her mother be brutalized, beaten, violated, and left for dead is more than any person should have to witness. And to witness this, all before she is even two years old? Unthinkable. She cannot verbalize what she saw or what was done to her in the days they spent with the abuser.

It makes me sad. I also am angry. Angry at this coward that used every tool available to him to oppress, isolate, control, and punish … His fists, his feet, his penis… All used as ways to exert his power and control. It outrages me we live in a world that male privilege and a whole host of ‘isms’ allow rape culture and domestic violence to continue.

Right now he is on the run. The police are searching for him, and I suspect more charges will be added after the forensic exams on his victims are concluded.

To this coward and to all other perpetrators, your days of using fear to control someone who loves you are quickly drawing to a close. There are many folks like me, like my staff, like our supporters- we are dedicated to nonviolence. We are dedicated to ending domestic violence and sexual assault.

We are dedicated to ensuring that every home is a safe home, that each person is safe in the larger world community no matter their his or her gender or relationship or circumstance. We are also dedicated to YOU, Mr. Power-and-control. We are dedicated to ensuring that you are held accountable. Now, and from this point forward.

You and your brothers-in-abuse? You are on NOTICE. This ends now. We never want to see the innocence of another child extinguished. We will not accept another person- female, male, or child being harmed in this way. We will not be silent. We will not stop.

Count on it.

2012 draws to a close…

Today is a snow day.  I am off work, but I am at home in yoga pants and a fleece pullover, and my toe socks.  Items of clothing that I would NEVER allow anyone to see me in… but I am not going anywhere.  I should be working.  I should be doing a lot of things.  What am I doing?  Thinking about the past year, 2012.  My realization(s) are as follows:

• 2012 was a difficult year for many in my life.  Divorce.  Illness, Death.  Loss of pets.  Financial ruin.  Many, many unhappy things, but in those events, I was able to see the resilience of my friends, those I am close to, and us as a society.  I am in awe of those folks, and having walked through hell multiple times in my life as most of us do before our journey on this rock is done, I know each person’s journey is a challenging one.  I will do my best to make the journey for others a rewarding one.
• 2012 was also a year were it appears much is wrong with us as a society.  The war on women.  Sandy Hook.  Rape culture.  Hunger.  Poverty.  But, again, what sometimes does not show as readily is the those who work tirelessly, quietly, and compassionately to make the world a better place.  They do not get the press time and ‘mind’ time that the evil in this world does.  I hope to be an agent of change in that.
• 2012 is essentially OVER.  It is important to honor, to remember, and to learn from the past.  However, it is the PAST.  We should be focused on both the here and now, and how we are going to positively shape our future, and positively impact the future for those after us.  We only need to look back to not end up in the same space or to avoid the same mistakes… not get stuck there.
• 2013 is a new year, with new promise.  I encourage each of you to work with me to make it the year that everything changed…. for the better.  

Happy, healthy, and prosperous new year!

It is time for social action, real discussion, and change- re: Sandy Hook Elementary atrocity…

Yesterday was not a good day on the anti-violence front.  Those of you that know me personally, know that I work for an anti-sexual violence and anti-domestic violence agency.  Yesterday I received an email from a disaster services response agency that we partner with that there was shooting, and approximately 20 were known dead, many of them children in an elementary school in Connecticut .. in just minutes following the event.  Not long after that, the media picked it up, and it translated across the US, across the world.  Also, across the globe, in China, 22 school children and one elderly woman were stabbed.  Details were slow to come on the Sandy Hook tragedy, and rightfully so- authorities wanted to make sure that proper notifications occurred before certain details were released.  That is only compassionate for the families of those killed and wounded.  As of this writing, it appears that 20 children were murdered, and 6 adults.  Two additional people found dead were the perpetrator’s mother and brother.  The person wielding the gun was a 20 year old man.  Twenty-nine dead total in this day of horror in Connecticut.

On the local front, the survivors that reside at our shelter were triggered, and needed our support. Staff prepared the moms to talk about this with their children in an age appropriate manner, and came up with a plan to limit children’s access to television, to the internet, etc… especially the young children.  We prepared for the communities’ response as well, knowing that at a time such as this, sometimes folks decide it is time to flee a violent relationship.  It would be much later that any of us would have time to follow the news reports closely or to log onto social networking sites.

In the minutes and hours following, and with details beginning to dribble out from authorities and the media, many took to social networking sites to express their horror, their sadness, and their sympathy for those experiencing this loss.  I was interviewed by a local paper, and was damn near inarticulate due to sadness, and lack of information on the circumstances of the person committing this horror, but my comments focused on my heartfelt concern for those impacted, and that we could discuss the motivations behind this person’s decision to kill when we learned a bit more, but my concerns also lay with the larger community and the ripple effect that this would have on those who have experienced trauma in their lives, who may be survivors of interpersonal violence…  and the impact on children.

To my consternation, many other things immediately began to be circulated.  How easy it is to create an ignorant, mean, and self serving meme and pop it up on a social networking site.  It is unfortunate that in life, things are not simple. Problems very rarely have a single root cause.  We as human beings have what seems to be a primal need to determine a root cause, often to distance ourselves, or to lay blame.  I would submit these actions are yet another way to dissociate in some way from the horror of it all.  It is also unfortunate that mean, victim-blaming and items supporting a personal agenda lend themselves to short sound bites, comments and memes.  It is disheartening that rather than using this time to support the victims of this perpetrator, and to use this event as a catalyst to start a meaningful dialogue about the issues we are facing in the United States… that our homes, our communities are not safe ones, folks started to proselytize for their ‘pet’ personal truth.  There was an amazing glut of hatefulness from people who were consciously choosing to NOT see things from any other point of view but their own perspective, prejudices, filters, and experiences.  Folks who were unable to realize that their view is not the only perspective. Things I heard expressed included:

• This is not a time to talk about gun control
• If you take guns away then the only people that will have them is criminals
• Comments that now the liberals have fodder to repeal the second amendment
• Comments blaming the NRA
• Mentally ill people should not have access to guns
• Anti Republican statements
• Anti President Obama statements
• Only people kill people, guns do not kill people …. [insert analogy here]
• Guns do not kill people, gun lobbyists do
• Guns don’t kill people, they make it easy to kill people
• Posts pointing out that the children in China survived, whereas the children in Connecticut did not have a chance
• Memes showing the those killed due to gun violence in developed nations
• Folks urging immediate anti-gun control violence legislation and action NOW, and the opposite… gun control legislation
• Memes and posts stating that since God is not in/not invited/not welcome in schools he turned his back on this event
• Posts pointing out that many perpetrators use religion as their rationalization for their actions
• Posts pointing to several of these attacks happened in places that were religious, such as the Amish school in Lancaster, and the other recent shooting in a religious school
• Posts asking ‘where was your god this morning in Newtown CT?”
• That mentally ill people are inherently dangerous/violent

The list grows exponentially with each passing hour.  Ugliness seems to have little limit on the internet.

We know now that this young man had emotional issues and may have been mentally ill.  We know that guns were readily accessible in his home, and arguably, a family culture.  We know  the fact he killed his mother, and Sandy Hook appears that the school was an employment site for her.  We know that he also killed his brother.  We know that after getting past security he murdered 20 children and 6 adults.  

We also know that due to how this crime began, that it is consistent with domestic violence.  Many think of domestic violence as a cycle of physical violence where someone in an intimate relationship is the abuser, not a brother, son, child.  We know that interpersonal violence has an impact on children.  The relationship is not directly causal, but it is statistically and strikingly correlational.  Was their a pattern of power and control that the perpetrator experienced?  We do not know that of yet- but if I were the betting sort, I would lay money on the fact there was.  Does mental illness, domestic violence, etc., remove any onus of responsibility from the murderer?  Absolutely not.  When looking for reasons, folks to blame- the responsibility should be focused squarely on the shooter.  No matter his demons or issues, he made a choice.  He made many choices.  He made a choice to put his hands on a gun, secure sufficient ammo, and drive his mother’s car across town.  He made a choice to sneak past the recently increased security.  He made the choice to kill person after person after person in a hail of gunfire.  He then made the choice to end his own life.  

BUT… There is always a ‘but’ in this life.  We may be on different sides of the second amendment gun control/anti gun violence issue… but I can guarantee that no one wants innocent children to be killed.  We may vastly disagree on social services and the responsibility of government to ensure that people that have mental health issues are able to easily access services without cost or resources being a barrier, that those who need intervention for violent behavior through services and/or judicial action and policing should be held accountable- but I can confidently say that no one wanted this to happen, save the perpetrator.  

Again with the ‘but’- we are deluding ourselves and also doing the victims and our communities a disservice by not looking at the contributing factors, many of them societal/cultural.  We live in a society where we are largely numb to violence and violence is incorporated into entertainment, games, music, etc. We live in a society where we continue to trumpet misinformation and myths. We live in a society where victim blaming is the norm, rather than holding those who make the choice to perpetrate accountable.  We live in a society were guns are very easy to secure, legal or not.  We live in a society where those most vulnerable are often the ones that pay the highest price.  We live in a society where, instead of pulling together to focus on making our communities, our loved ones, our children, safer… we flame, name-call, bully, create hurtful and often MEAN memes that can be circulated worldwide in the click of a mouse or the tap of a finger. We live in a society where it is all to easy to close one’s eyes to the problem.   And to those of you circulating the sentiments that somehow this happened because of our ‘godless’ society… I would ask you how that is NOT is victim blaming, and how that differs from the likes of Westboro Baptist  who picket a solder’s funeral, or some of Pat Robinson’s many comments.  We live in a polarized world.  We have lost much through the acts of yesterday.  We can use this in a way to promote healing, to compromise, and to work together to make a world where violence against ANYONE is unacceptable.  Now is a time for real, meaningful and immediate social change through dialogue and thoughtful ACTION, and much remains to be fixed.  Children are murdered.  Interpersonal violence exists.  Inequality exists.  People can fall through the cracks because they are deemed ‘not worthy’ of assistance.  This is not the time for vitriol, advancing political and personal agendas, and knee-jerk reactions that are of no impact to the problem.

What will YOU do today to make the world a better place?  Let me give you a suggestion.  Sitting on Facebook posting mean things, arguing and flaming is not being active.  That is essentially doing nothing, and at worst, continuing the violence long after the last shot rang out.  We can do better than this.  We will do better than this.  Our children are depending on it.

Will you join me?

All I need to know about love, I learned from my cat.

Josephine and I have been on a journey together for many years now. Josephine being my 15 1/2 year old cat. I had the pleasure of meeting her May 7, 2000 when she belonged to my best friend. She came to live with me January 23, 2003- and I often refer to her as my best gift, ever. I took care of her when her previous owner was out of town, and I knew from the first moment I saw her that she was special.

You would think that the beginning of our life together would have fallen together easily. It did not happen that way. She was traumatized from being removed from the only home she most likely remembered, although she was not getting along with the other cat and dogs that lived there, and she was peeing outside the litter box. Her first full day with us my then-husband got home and called me, asking if I had the cat since she was not there. After some hurried and panicked looking, we found her in our closet, back behind my footlocker. Luckily, her emergency vet appointment came through, and we found out she was very, very sick with a severe kidney infection. Luckily she recovered.

Josie is a very sweet yet demanding cat. She wants what she wants, and she wants lots of it. Now. NOW! She is also a difficult cat to get a ‘read’ on… or at least she was in the beginning. She would scream like she was going to tear you apart if you picked her up. Now I know that is just her way of dealing with a sudden change, but it was terrifying in the early days. She was afraid of the windows, not really ever having been able to see out before in her previous townhouse residence. She also bit. A lot. Try to brush her? CHOMP. Pet her in the wrong way? CHOMP CHOMP. Touch her tail, feet, legs, or face? It was like putting your hand in the garbage disposal and turning it on. She did not like loud noises, company, or any changes in ANYTHING. To sum it up… she was a handful. She did not and still does not suffer fools easily. (And be warned, she still bites others… HARD. Just not me.)

She and I found the way to communicate with each other, but it was a struggle. I worked with her patiently to get her past her biting. She discovered she loved to play, and had more cat toys than many small children. We settled into a routine. All was well. Then, we moved to a brand new town home in less than stellar part of town, thinking the neighborhood was on the verge of gentifrication. We could not have been more wrong. And Josie HATED the new house. And showed her displeasure in the most definitive way a cat can… she used it as a litter box. We took her to vets, we took her to specialists, we took her to animal behaviorists, she went to Philly for an MRI that proved her mystery limp was an attention seeking behavior. We tried holistic therapies. We tried kitty prozac. We got her a feline friend. She was not happy. In desperation, I sought out a pet psychic. The pet psychic informed skeptical me that Josie hated the noise from the street and the gunshots she heard from the crime ridden neighborhood. She hated the other cat, and felt that she was ‘losing me’ due to increasing demands at work, tension in my marriage, and the other 2 cats. The solution? Her own room. I scoffed, but I was willing to try ANYTHING. I prepared a space for her that night.

To my utter amazement, it worked! She ‘asked’ (by thumping on the door) to be let in and out of her special room, one of our unused extra bedrooms outfitted with her own cat box, food and water dishes, toys, etc. I spent time in there with her, and she would ask to go in when she was feeling stressed, asked to come out when she was ready to rejoin the household. Now- she would still pee in the dining room, but after my divorce I realized that was merely to annoy my husband, something I began to suspect since she would not do it when I was home, and would often pee in front of him with a smug expression.

In our years together in my small, quiet apartment, our bond has grown stronger. She is always nearby, and keeps a close eye on my whereabouts. She is my confidant, my teddy bear, my fuzzy life preserver- I simply do not deserve her.

From her, I have learned new lessons in patience, in unconditional love, in redemption. She is in her twilight years now, and to quote Gretchen Rubin in the Happiness Project, the days are long, the years are short. In 2008 she has 2 serious strokes, and recovered from them. In 2010 she almost succumbed to a systemic infection. She has had to have her top fangs extracted. But she still is my sweetheart. She is getting thinner now, and the vets cannot find out why. She also is much more vocal, and stays closer to me. She now wakes me up a couple times in the night for me to pull her closer, to soothe her back to sleep. I fear our days together are growing short. I treasure each day.

She has shown me that love evolves, and it takes renewed energy and the ability to take new opportunities. Most folks do not think of cats having a sense of humor, but she does. Sweet and silly sometimes, and snarky another time, she is a furry comedian. She has rewarded my patience 1,000-fold. She has also shown me to listen to my intuition as she does hers. I have learned that if she does not like someone, that is not a healthy person to have in my life. And her resillience and force of will is truly inspiring. I hope to have her in my life, happy and healthy for as long as she can. Stay as you will, leave if you must…

My life has not been the same since I met Josephine. It has been so much better. I only hope that she feels the same way.

I know we can’t all be self-absorbed dunderheads… Right? Right?

Today I joined friends at a local movie theater. Sounds like a relaxing afternoon, yes? Actually, the answer would be a resounding NO. I arrived in plenty of time to park and to purchase my ticket at the box office. There was a line, but no big deal. It became obvious that after standing in line for nearly 5 minutes that no one was moving. In the interaction that was unfolding, I gathered the computer program that ran their registers was not able to accept credit/debit cards due to a soft freeze. At that point, a ‘gentleman’ in his 50′s started yelling and punched the plexiglass at face level of the stunned teenage girl working the booth. I was aghast! I said ‘Seriously?’ very loudly… And folks around me started to chatter… IN SUPPORT OF HIS BEHAVIOR!

At that point the Manager came out and advised everyone that the system was having issues and they would need to reboot it and that could take 4-10 minutes. She said they would delay that for a few minutes and before she could finish a young father yelled “Can you take cash or payment at the concession stand? My daughter here wants to see Brave and I intend her to see all of it!’. There was a lot of general grumbling, and I asked the girl behind the glass where the closest ATM was, and it was 10 feet inside the door. I waited in line, got my cash, waited in line again, and paid.

There was a lot more, but my point to all of this is simple- what message did the many children standing in line receive today? One of patience, compassion, and being part of the solution? No. They saw folks irate over something that was inconsequential and trivial, and saw abusive behavior supported.

I apologized to both the young people behind the plexiglass and to the Manager for the abuse they took today. They both looked like they were on the verge of tears. I did not do it, but I was not part of the solution. I hope to be more effective next time.